#and this need to earn my value as a person extends to everything else i've worked on

[deliriuxe]

I feel like I make people excited for things I'm just not able to live up to. I make too many promises and plans for things that I think in my head should be no problem following through on, only to then not be able to even come close to reaching that seemingly simple goal and disappointing everyone I hyped up, along with myself.

This is more relevant to my activity on my main blog than here (honestly this blog feels more like an escape from the responsibilities I've made on my other blogs), but for personal reasons I don't feel comfortable enough to talk about it there. Maybe one day, but not now.

For the many of you who likely don't know... I was a part of a collaborative AU/AM known as AccidentVerse: the one with the fusions of outcodes like Vantablack (nightmare!ink) and Silence (dream!error). It was a relatively popular au at the time and I was the official artist for it.

I broke off from the team for reasons that I currently don't have it in me to go into any meaningful detail about (I'm still working through therapy to fully understand what happened to me when I was a part of that group; I'm sure it'll come with time), but one thing I'm now coming to terms with after 3 whole years... is that I constantly felt the need to justify my existence online through my work. I believe I had that issue even before I joined AV, but working for that team certainly made it much, much worse.

I was very young at the time, and I didn't have a whole lot going for me in the vast new social circle I was introduced to (like with any socially awkward 13 year old kid), so my only source of value was through the art that I made for AccidentVerse. And everyone loved it. Everyone I met was amazed at the skill I had for being at such a young age. I was valued, essentially put on a pedestal...

...as long as I was working.

Long story short, it burnt me out. This mindset still carries through to today, where I feel as though I have to maintain my prominence in the UTMV community by continuously working and pumping out new content, because... who would I be if I didn't? It was what I was good at, it was the reason I was so valued by the AV admins in the first place... because without that, I would've been nothing to them.

...

...Working on AV today, after adopting it as the sole owner... it's a struggle. I toil desperately for an ounce of motivation for a project that I just cannot seem to find. Don't get me wrong, I love AV. I love the characters dearly... but I'm starting to question if focusing on AccidentVerse is even healthy for me, with all the trauma I've gained from the people I worked under.

I just... I don't know. All I have is a half finished fic for AV that I practically have had to force myself to work on for the better part of 6 months, even if I genuinely hold some passion for the ideas in it.

I'll remind myself to not make as many promises going forward.

[drunkdragondoes]

Is it possible to send a prompt not on the list? Because if so then Qrowin(I am original I know :D) with 'I thought you'll die, I nearly lost you and now I need to be close' smut. Like Qrow gets into trouble sort of like with Tyrian on a mission...(because well, people tend to focus on Qrow's fear of losing people he cares about, and I've rarely seen it from Winter's POV an1/2

Basically I asked for clarification and we boiled it down to: Qrow gets hurt, Winter gets worried and explains why to him, and then smut occurs.

“What exactly did my husband break again?”

“Well, starting from the top, we have-”

“Oh, and in layman’s terms, if you would.”

“Very well then, Miss Schnee, he basically broke both his arms and wrists, his right thigh bone, and has a cracked rib.”

“… When exactly may I see him?”

It wasn’t the first time that Qrow had seen her mad. In fact, them being mad at each other was how their relationship got started. But here she was upset over the fact that while he had done ‘the right thing’, he was now looking like a horrid mess. He was in a hospital gown with both arms in casts, a series of bandages wrapped around his torso, and his leg was in a cast as well.

Had it been any other reason, she’d be pacing back and forth in front of him. But given that she had found purchase on a corner seat and the situation, she was simply reclining back, trying to sift through her feelings.

“You’re a sorry sight, Qrow.”

The man was lying down in a hospital bed opposite of her. “I’d probably be sorrier in other ways if I let that Deathstalker get through. I’m told I had bought the time we needed, so all this was worth it on the spreadsheet.”

“Just not right now.”

“Yep,” he gave a sigh, “Just not right now.”

Winter pulled her arms into herself, looking away from him. It was for a good cause, she reminded herself. But she still found herself unhappy that she had nearly lost him. He might have received medals or honors, but what good were flimsy pieces of metal compared to having his warm body next to her?

“I wish you hadn’t done it, though.”

“Winter?”

“Look at yourself, Qrow.”

“There was no one else available. You’re saying that you’d rather let people die?”

“No,” she firmly said, shaking her head. “I just…” her voice fell lower, “Did you have to try to fight it? Couldn’t you have tried to lead it away instead?”

“You weren’t there, though.” He mirrored her own low voice, trying to keep it an easy conversation. “I know you want to point out the other options now, but at that moment that’s what was going through my head. I needed to stop it and I did.”

Winter closed her eyes, fingers curling in her lap. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, it was true. She wasn’t there on his mission. She didn’t know what had occurred. It was a very valid reason and to judge him would be unfair. But that didn’t mean she didn’t have to like it.

“Qrow, only a few people know of our marriage,” she quietly spoke. “Your brother-in-law, the nieces, Weiss, and Ozpin and General Ironwood. So when I got a call from my superior officer about your current state of being, I don’t think I need to mention how worried I was.”

Her husband let his own eyes close, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Winter.”

“It’s not just that, though. He told me that it was bad. I… I was worried I would lose you.”

And those were the words. Qrow told her those, each and every time when she went on a mission. She had never been hurt seriously, often just a few scratches or a broken bone here and there. It was mostly a joke at times. But here, where he lay in front of her in pieces, it was something else.

“You’re not going to lose me that easily,” he said. “I’m made of tough stuff.”

“You don’t look like that at all in those casts, Qrow.”

He rolled his eyes. “I was hoping to draw your attention the fact that I’m tough enough to survive it all.”

“Qrow, I…” She bit her lip, “I think the best way to say it is like this.” She looked into his red eyes. “For a long time I was under the umbrella of my father. He bought and made things for me, tried to set me on what he felt was the best path. And though I have since left his influence, there are three things that I value the most in my life. One is my weapon that I made for myself. The other is my position, which I earned.”

“And… while I don’t mean to imply that you’re an object, you… you’re…”

“I get you, Winter,” he quietly finished.

“Do you really?”

“Enough to know that I should try to look at other avenues where I can.”

It was good enough for now. Rising from her seat, she walked over and planted a kiss on his lips. It was meant to just be a simple one, to seal the deal, but Winter found herself kissing him again and again, a little hungrier each time. She reasoned that it was because she had narrowly avoided a world where Qrow was no longer with her and she wanted to remind herself that he was still there. Soon her hands found their way to the sides of his face and she pushed her tongue into him, lapping up whatever piece she could find. When she finally pushed herself away, she was greeted with a groan from below.

“Damnit, Winter.” Qrow had thrown his head back in frustration. “Really playing the low blow cards today, huh.” He gave his hips a strained jerk, and her eyes traced to the raised cloth of the hospital gown just below his waist.

���Hm.” She looked at his injuries and then back at his member. “I guess that really would be low of me. You can’t even scratch your own balls with all these keeping you still. Not to mention the rib.”

“You’re not really gonna just leave me like this, will you?”

“I could do blowjob, but…” she tried to push aside the own heat building inside of her. “Well, even a 69 isn’t fulfilling if we have to pretend we’re sitting on glass. And we’re technically out in the public area.”

“Winter, please-” Qrow begged, “anything.”

“… How soon did the doctors say you would recover?”

He gulped. “Maybe… Maybe a week.”

“Well, your hasty recovery is more important right now, sadly.”

“Winter!”

She looked up at his whining face. “I’ll be back in a week and we’ll see how you’ve improved. Consider this as a bit of an incentive to stay in one piece next time.”

In the end, Qrow had begged a handjob out of her, but only after he promised that he would do everything the doctors asked him to and that he wouldn’t masturbate. Winter also told him that she would personally have him go through her own inspection to make sure he had fully recovered before they did anything requiring his penis, so there really was an incentive to make sure that he did everything Winter asked him.

As she counted off the days, she had found that Qrow was moved to a more private room, one that was on the higher floors. And while she had no way to really enforce whether Qrow played by himself or not, she had the feeling that between his broken arms and her words he would be compliant.

On the sixth of the seventh day, she shaved and waxed everything.

On the seventh day, after getting cleared by the staff to visit him, she walked into the sequestered room to see Qrow still lying under the covers, albeit without the casts on him. She had opted to go without the full ensemble of her uniform, instead wearing just a simple blouse and slacks.

“Hi Winter.” His voice was calm, though it was clear that he wasn’t exactly sure what to expect from her.

“Hello dear,” she returned. Moving to a chair in the corner of the room, she brought out a change of his clothes and set it on the table between them. “Were you a good boy this week?”

“Well,” he started with a quick snap, “I was in casts until yesterday, even though my aura had taken care of the major things since the fourth day.” He looked her in the eye, almost a little defiant. “So yes, I was a very good boy.”

She had no way of really verifying it, but she went along with his claim. “Alright, then. Let’s begin my little test.” She extended a hand towards his clothes. “Please dress yourself.”

After a brief nod, Qrow pushed aside the blankets, revealing that he was still in his hospital gown. He quickly pulled it off, letting Winter revel in his toned and naked form. A shot of heat coursed through her body as her gaze fell upon his soft member, and she wondered if he knew she was staring.

But it was over all too quickly. First he put on his boxers, then the pants, and then the shirt. Soon it was like he had never been injured in the first place. His red gaze met hers, “So, do I pass your little test?”

Her hands fell onto her chin, reviewing his movements. He didn’t seem particularly strained, nor did she hear any sounds of pain. Perhaps he was just a little stiff at some points. But for the most part, nothing had distracted her from her gaze. “I would say that you do.”

She wet her lips before she spoke again. “Now strip.”

Qrow balked. “What?”

“You heard me,” a furtive smile grew upon her lips. “Strip.” Qrow seemed to get it now, though, so he made no further complaints, his hands reaching for the hem of his shirt. But she spoke again before he removed it. “Slowly, and with a bit of flair if you can.”

A final pause, and now Qrow smiled. First was the shirt, given a little twirl before getting dropped next onto the table. Then came the pants, where he turned sideways, slowly pushing them down until gravity did the rest and he kicked them away. But he stopped at his boxers. Instead, he turned his back to her. With a coy look over his shoulders, his right thumb fell to the waistband as his left hand beckoned her to come over.

Winter had walked over before she knew it, arms wrapping around his body. She placed a kiss on his shoulder before he tilted her up to his lips. It was a brief peck, but she felt her chest rise and fall sharply.

His right hand fell over hers and dragged it to his boxers. “The honor is yours, Winter.”

With another breath, she hooked her hand into the garment and slowly began to drag down. Looking over his shoulder, she saw that his member was already straining against the cloth, hot and hard from her presence, from her promise. First was the soft flesh, tapering to form an upside-down V. Then came the base of the shaft, pointed down to the floor. With one last greedy tug, the tip was finally free, springing up from the elastic band and bobbing a small bit in the air. Letting go of the boxers, they crumpled onto floor and Qrow moved them away.

Her fingers circled around him and he groaned. Gently sliding his skin back and forth, her thoughts went back to the other officers in the military when cocks and penises happened to have come up in the conversation. And according to what she eavesdropped on-

“I believe you described me as…” he took a breath as his hand fell over hers again, softly guiding her, “exceptional?”

She kissed him before letting go. “Exquisite, actually.” With a quick tap on his bottom, she gave him another order. “Onto the bed.”

He moved without hesitation, laying on his back. Eying his flesh, Winter undid her pants and underwear, but left her blouse unbuttoned and she climbed over him. Grasping his hardened length again, she began to brush the tip against her already-wet opening, closing her eyes with a low groan.

“You remember the way I like it,” Qrow strained, reaching up to push aside her open blouse and kneading her breasts. “Shaved pussy and no bra.”

She gave a low chuckle, trying to rein herself in - they were still in public, even if it was a more private room. “I figured I would play to your favorites after what you’ve been through.” She gave a gentle tug, watching as he bit back a groan and closed his eyes. “I wonder though - did you really keep your hands off of yourself?”

“If the Ice Queen says no playing around, then no playing around.”

She was pleased with his response. With a final push, she slowly guided herself down, bringing as much of him as she could inside.

“Holy fuck,” was his strained voice, “Winter.” His jaw was clenched, eyes closed, hands tight on her hips, and she began to slide herself up and down. She leaned back, jutting her chest out and he sat up, bringing his lips to her chest. As fingers threaded into his dark hair, she doubted that he would last long, especially with the pace she was going at. She was hungry, but at least had her own fingers to give her relief during the week.

Qrow, in comparison, was starving and she could feel it. One of his hands slipped up her back to pull her into him. He sucked and nipped at her breasts, sometimes a little harder than she expected, and Winter hoped that the squeaking of the bed wouldn’t attract any unnecessary attention.

But with a quick push at his shoulders, he was brought back against the bed and she began to push against him harder and faster.

“Winterplease-” he pushed and begged through his teeth, “not so fast, notso-”

She was nowhere near finishing, though, but she leaned in and whispered. “Don’t worry,” she pushed down again, making him shudder and twitch, “I’ll get you to come twice.” With that, he finally seemed to let himself go and with a few more thrusts she felt his cock pulsing inside, a warm liquid pushing against her.

As she continued to move, drawing out what she could, his cum began to spill out, turning the slaps of flesh wetter and louder. Qrow was beneath her, panting ever so slightly, gazing at her with lidded eyes. She could feel him going just a bit soft, and she knew she would need to entice him again. Slowing herself down to a crawl, she leaned her body back to push her chest out again. Grasping his hand she put it over her breast, giving a light squeeze to get the message across.

As he continued to caress her flesh, she reached between her legs, touching the sticky wetness between them. Brushing against the thick fluids, she took a generous swab of it upon her fingers and brought it between her lips, their mixed tastes swirling upon her tongue. It was more of a show for him, but she knew that few things got him harder than seeing her eat their shared mess, even if it was only a little bit.

“Heh, pulling out all the stops, are we?”

This was a good sign, and Winter resumed her faster pace, a smirk on her lips. Wet smacks bounced off the sterile walls as their breathing and pace began to match the other. Qrow slipped his hand onto her back again, his other snaking between her breasts and down her front to play with that little bit of flesh.

“Q-Qrow.”

It was her turn to start crumbling. As much as she knew his favorites, he knew hers and soon it was she who was buckling over, letting his tongue brush past her lips. With hurried thrusts and sharp breaths, only a swell of her pride allowed her to recall her original goal to bring him over the edge twice.

She grit her teeth, head burrowing between his neck and chest. She tried to fight it off, to fill her sensations with other feelings. But between his hard cock pushing deep into her again and again, with one set of his deft fingers going through her hair and the other swirling around her clit repeatedly, there was an encroaching peak, and-

Oh, yes, there, right there-

Oh

O-Oh

Oh

Oh

Somewhere in the back of her star-addled mind there was another wave of warmth within her amongst the heavenly squeezes. There was another sense of wetness that wasn’t just Qrow’s this time. Her cheeks were flush and breath heavy, and she blinked her eyes just in time to try and fumble with a kiss from her husband.

He chuckled and so did she before he tried to bring his lips to her again. She met it with a defter return this time.

“Well, you certainly held up your end of the bargain,” Qrow breathily said.

She brought a hand to his cheek and felt all the happier when he leaned into it. Of all of the things that could have happened, he was here and real in front of her. “I was quite serious about incentivizing your survival, you know. Have to make sure you’re not doing something stupid with that exquisite body of yours.”

“Duly noted, Ice Queen. Now let’s get the hell out of here before the doctors start lecturing us about discretion and sanitation.”

She kissed him again. “And if they say you’re not ready to be released I’ll just tell them I took your temperature - twice.”